and so it goes.

Reblog From: claraquiambao.net

I have no reason to believe that whatever happened today was unexpected. Life  taught me the same lesson again: when you get your hopes up too high, you are bound to face disappointment. This is not the first time in life I have been disappointed and it won’t be the last; yet, no matter how much I try I can’t get used to the feeling of disappointment. It feels like as though a sharp blade has pierced into my stomach, lacerated my abdomen, and left a huge gushing open wound that refuses to heal. But instead of lying on the floor wincing in pain with my hands covered in my own blood, I am typing in front of my laptop. In reality, there is no wound and no blood. But the pain is all too real, and every bit as insufferable and torturous.

This situation reminds me of a famous poem written by Robert Frost. I can’t usually recite poetry from memory, but I remember this poem:

“Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.”

Yes, I know its a strange poem but it has meaning to me. If someone were to burn me, I would die. But I would die easily. It would be fast, brief and I would face death only once. But ice is different. Ice refers to the coldness of human emotion and action. Ice won’t kill you immediately. It will take its time as the person slowly freezes to death. It is more painful, more prolonged and the pain lasts longer. Same can be said about human emotion and action. It has the potential to kill – and kill slowly and painfully.

Today, I certainly feel like I have faced death – not by fire, but by ice. It is a strange game of reality. Life gave me everything I wanted, let me feel true happiness and bliss, and then after a short, fleeting twelve hours, decided to take everything away from me.

I do not blame anyone but myself. Getting my hopes up was my fault. Getting too eager was my fault. Creating the situation was my fault. I do not feel any anger, fury, or rage. Rather just disappointment, and I cannot blame anyone but the girl who is being reflected on this laptop screen.

I am lost. I have lost.

I should have new hope for tomorrow. It’ll be a new day with a new beginning. After all, anything can happen in the future right? And I have Shakespeare to thank for that wisdom:

“To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.” – Macbeth

Read it twice. It is the best Shakespeare soliloquy ever.